Every moment gives way to the next

Since Kayam's birth depression and anxiety have become familiar companions in my life again.  Its been especially difficult because I have worked so hard in the past to resolve these issues and yet here I am again.  Some days it feels like the darkness might swallow me up. It is so fucking visceral.  I feel like I am in an existential cyclone where my ability to sense the edges of reality create a feeling of unease that won't leave me.  In some ways, it feels worse than ever before.

This morning the sadness came rushing over me upon my first interaction with Eric - it wasn't the interaction.  But once it was there it felt like a vortex I was being sucked in to.  I went about my usual morning tasks.  Cleaning up, making breakfast, feeding myself and Kayam.  Kayam spit up a little (a rare occurrence) and the anxiety ramped up more.  I started feeling intense anxiety and this made the sadness grow.  The thoughts swirled in my mind as I went on my morning walk, feeling the knot in my throat threatening to bust open any moment into tears.  I feel such grief in these moments wondering why I am like this....

So as began to witness my thinking patterns I began to question where the loving could help me.  I began by breathing and shifting my posture.  I consciously felt my feet on the Earth.  I used part of the concept of the ritual I wrote about yesterday as I connected with the part of myself that feels so scared.  I asked her what she was afraid of and she told me.  I imagined holding her and offering her love and I could feel both of my selves in this process.  I listened to Eckhart Tolle a bit and laughed.  I thought of the things I have to be grateful for.  And when I got home I felt a little better.

The anxiety dissolved into the next phase of my day.  A good reminder for the future.  One of the things Eckhart Tolle was saying was that people are so afraid of the present moment because they feel that it will never end.  I think anxiety is so much this...depression too...there is such a fear that the discomfort will not move.  But it does.  I used to tell my clients, "When you feel happy enjoy it, cause it won't last.  When you feel sad, enjoy it, cause it won't last".  Every emotion, every state, every moment gives way to the next, and the next, and the next....

Gratitude:  I am thankful that every moment gives way to the next.

I was on a walk with my son yesterday morning, thinking about the areas of my life that I am struggling with.  It seems that so much of my suffering and challenge is rooted in what I call a lack of self love.  This really does seem to be the core/seed issue that when watered by whatever circumstance in life that triggers this wound grows out in behaviors that do not serve me in any way.  In fact, they just serve to feed that wounding even more - more self loathing, more feelings of lack, of shame, of grief. 

I wondered if I began to just track my ability to show up for myself in a loving way, would I be able to create a real shift?  Would I see a real difference in my life, in how I react/respond to my partner and child, and most importantly to myself?  And would sharing this intention experiment with others be helpful?  Could I allow myself to be that vulnerable?  To share what I have termed in the last year "the darkness"?  I don't really know what this is going to look like, but I know that I need to do it.  Just having the idea/concept present with me is already waking me up in powerful ways.

Tonight I saw so clearly how loving myself would have shifted my experience.  I came home late from an appointment to a less than happy husband.  He was angry with me for various reasons, and although I had no intentions to do him harm I could feel the pull of his energy desiring me to dance the unhealthy dance we have become so familiar with.  Initially I stayed grounded and told myself to discern what was mine and what was not so that I could allow him his experience while holding my own space.  I found myself breaking down as unkindness kept being sent in my direction.  My defense was to then become angry with him.  My mind swirled with all the reasons he should not be upset with me and why I should actually be the one upset with him.  I returned his cold energy, thinking of ways to create more separation.   As I was putting my son to sleep later in the evening I laid in bed thinking "If I loved myself, I wouldn't have to do this.  I would accept that my husband's anger doesn't mean that I am "bad".  I would know that I am okay, and I would not feel compelled to defend myself by sending negative energy or words in his direction."  This gave me a moment of freedom.  I could, on some level, feel that loving existed in me already - otherwise how would I be able to see this Truth. 

I don't know where this is going, but so far it feels like the right direction...